What Box?^®

Do me a favor and stop reading this column right now. Put down the paper and listen.

What do you hear?

Is it your own inner voice talking to you and saying, “What a silly thing for Sean to ask me to do?” What do you hear?

Is it the birds chirping outside? Is it the sound of the lake water hitting the edge of the shore? Is it a hawk screeching in the sky? When you take the time to listen what do you hear?

Listening, really listening, is something that seems to be quite a rare commodity these days. Perhaps this is why people are so attracted to those people who have learned The Art of Listening.

“The golden rule of friendship is to listen to others as you would have them listen to you.”  David Augsburger

People who listen are usually very interested in what it is that is being said and have a desire to learn more about the person who is speaking. That is to say, they value the thoughts and the person. Seems so easy, but I bet if you really thought about it and were honest with yourself you would find that you have a tendency to focus conversations and interactions onto yourself verses listening, engaging, and focusing on what the other person is talking about.

Just the other night during a nice dinner with some friends, the power of listening to elevate an evening came to light. During the evening how the power of not listening takes energy away became abundantly clear as well.

As we were sitting around the dinner table whenever one of the guests would start talking about something, another guest would break in and start talking about himself, sharing about how he had a similar experience, only it was different. As the first person that was sharing would resume his story, he would only get four or five words out before being interrupted again. This went on a good portion of the evening. At one point I broke in and asked the person who was continually interrupting to please hold back so that we could allow the first person to finish his thought. Has this ever happened to you?

When you are not listening to what others are saying except to find a way to get your own thoughts, ideas, and experiences across you are devaluing that person and as a result you are pushing them away. When you are focused on listening to your inner voice you are not really listening to what is being said in the moment. Have you ever wondered why more people are not interested in what you have to say or what it is you are involved in? I would bet it has something to do with your not listening and instead just talking about you.

“Sainthood emerges when you can listen to someone’s tale of woe and not respond with a description of your own.” Andrew V. Mason, MD

On the flip side if you want to attract, motivate, and excite people start listening really hard to what people are saying. Be in the moment and focus your attention on what is being said and the meaning of the discussion that is taking place. Try to find the opportunity to further explore what makes the person who is sharing tick. When you are able to do this you will have started to learn the Art of Listening.

People like to be heard. They like to know that you value their thoughts and feelings. Nothing says you value people more than when you really listen to them. Sounds so darn easy doesn’t it? Guess what. It is not so easy.

Listening requires that you talk less and listen more. Most people are too busy trying to talk about something that is really nothing than to focus on saying things of importance. When you learn to listen, your words have greater value, because they are thought through and it is not just a case of diarrhea of the mouth. I have written it before and will in all likelihood write about it again. We have two ears and one mouth; use them accordingly.

It has taken me the entire 41 years of my life to really start to catch on to the Art of Listening. As I get older and wiser hopefully I am starting to learn the power of listening and I pay attention to other peoples needs, emotions, and values beyond my own.

Think about how different the world would be if we just listened to what others are thinking and feeling about any given global situation. I would bet that if we could really listen to the rest of the world we would find ourselves in a much better place than we do today, all because we would listen instead of trying to get our point across at the expense of listening to what others are trying to say.

When you are able to listen, and I mean really listen, you will grow new and powerful friendships. You will become someone people want to be around. You will become a person who attracts people like a human magnet. You will be able to make greater changes in your family, workplace, and community. When you learn to listen you will, in the process, become a more dynamic and creative person.

“Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you would have preferred to talk.”  Doug Larson

Like everything else, all it takes is a sincere dedication and lots of practice to hone your listening skills. Go ahead and give it a try tomorrow when you are starting your day. Say to yourself, “I am going to listen more than I am going to talk today.”  Pick your words carefully after listening and see how your relationships change. See how people respond to your new listening skills. You can do it!

Listen. What do you hear?

Until next week remember, the only boxes that exist are the ones you create for yourself.

Your ability to choose and to make decisions is one your greatest gifts as a human being. Yet, how many of us are consciously thinking about the decisions and choices we are making each and every minute, every hour and every day?

How many choices do you think that you make in a day?

Twenty? Fifty? A hundred? Or more?

If you are like most people you are making hundreds of choices a day before you retire to bed each night. No matter what you are doing, you are making a choice to do it. Think about everything you do each day. Each and everything you do require you making a choice. What choices are you making?

Here is the rub. The choices you make each and every day shape who you are and how much value you create in your home, in your work place, in your community and ultimately in your state, your country, and in the world. Your choices make you an ordinary person or an extraordinary person. The choices you make really are yours.

No one can make you choose one thing or another. Only you can choose. The choices you make have the power to make you happy, sad, depressed, empowered, or angry. You have the Freedom of Choice. What will you choose?

“You’ve got a lot of choices.  If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you’re not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice.”  Steven D. Woodhull

In my life I have been beaten down by the system that does not accept out-of-the-box thinkers, a system that doesn’t accept people who are Differently-Abled, or people who are authentic about shedding light on injustices. Being removed as a sophomore in high school from the last traditional school I ever attended, I will never forget the words spoken by the principal as I was walking out the door. He said,  “You will never amount to anything but a car sales man, or worse, you will end up in jail!” Just writing these words brings back a sense of frustration and hurt. My response was instant and with passion: “No sir, you are wrong. Just you wait and see. I will become a person of importance, a millionaire, and an influencer of people. It will just not happen in the way you understand.”

It would have been easy for me to be victimized by this situation, by the words of a man who clearly was not attuned to making a positive difference in the world. Instead, I chose to focus on what could be, a positive outcome. I made a statement that I am sure, he as well, has never forgotten. I could have chosen to swear and yell at him and engage in his negativity, but I didn’t. That, my friends, is an example of exercising Freedom of Choice.

Do I slip up and fall prey to negativity? Yes I do. Do we all make mistakes and become engaged by people who are trying to pull us into their insecurities and poor decisions? Of course we do.

Many of us are focused on the external, those things that are outside of ourselves, and we believe that those things are making our choices for us.

It is not your wife, husband, brother, sister, boss, elected official, or anyone else making your choices for you. These people do not limit your ability to choose. There is only one person who can make choices for you and that is you. If you allow others to make choices for you, that is your choice. The choice is yours.

“When you have to make a choice and don’t make it, that is in itself a choice.” William James

You are the one who can choose to buy into negativity. You are the one who can make the choice to continue to be in a destructive or unproductive relationship. You are the one who can choose to stay in the job that is unfulfilling. You are the chooser of your choices and what you choose is who you are and what you can become.

Let’s be clear. This is not easy stuff. It is just easier to let others make the choices for us. It is just easier to let things be the way they are. It is just easier to say I am willing to settle for what is instead of what can be. It is just easier to be ordinary than it is to be extraordinary. Or is it?

Extraordinary people are those who we hold in the highest esteem. These are the people we hold up as hero’s, the people changing the world for the better. Extraordinary people are the people we want to be like. Yet how come so many of us are willing to settle on being ordinary, unhappy, unsatisfied, and are living a life of unrealized potential?

You have everything you need to be extraordinary. You can do anything you desire. You can be anything you want to be. You can do it!

“Choices are the hinges of destiny.”  Edwin Markham

The choice is yours. What will you choose?

Let me know what you think.

Dear Sean,
Just being myself is so incredibly difficult. I always find myself trying to avoid conflicts that may come up if I say what I really think.  How can I just be who I am without thinking about the opinions of others? I am definitely in a “pleasing others” box!
Pleasing on Monkey Island

Dear Pleasing,
One of the first steps is to face your insecurities. As long as you remain insecure with yourself other people’s opinions will matter more than yours. Write down a list of what makes you feel insecure. Write it down as fast as you can don’t over think it. When you have a list sit with it and now think about these insecurities and imagine what the opposite would look like, that is totally empowered. The feeling of empowerment is what you are looking for. Your opinions and thoughts matter. Next time you are feeling insecure about sharing your ideas make an effort to share them anyway. Make a statement coming from an empowered place. See how people react and keep practicing. This is lifetime stuff. You can do it. Let me know how it goes.
Keep on keeping on,
Sean

Remember, the only boxes that exist are the ones you create for yourself.

Looking back on the eight years since my wife Kristen and I first moved to Grand Lake I could say it is the best thing I have ever done, besides marrying Kristen.

When I first laid eyes on Grand Lake O’ The Cherokees from a corner of Patricia Island I was instantly hooked, and in what was supposed to be a short visit ended up being a life altering event. Today it is hard to image that I was so totally opposed to visiting our great state of Oklahoma. For years Bob and Yana Livesay had called me from their lanai in an attempt to get me to come out and visit them, to take a break from my breakneck Silicon Valley lifestyle, to get in touch with my creativity, and to experience the wonder of it all. What did I know?

“Losing an illusion makes you wiser than finding a truth.” Ludwig Börne

As I reflect upon it today, I was a very closed minded person and clearly did not know what I did not know. Like so many things in life there is meaning in everything if you are open to seeing it. It was not until I got here that I started to open up to the meaning of Grand Lake and a more fulfilling life.

Ain’t life Grand.

The leap of faith to buy a home on Grand Lake during a five-day visit, without knowing a single soul,  has proven to be a great lesson in life. It opened new doors of perception that allowed me to realize deep inside that anything is possible. What a gift. Prior to our move to Grand Lake I was just floating and scratching the surface of what is possible.

“Faith is reason grown courageous.” Sherwood Eddy

And the doors have opened wide, very wide. The friends I have been able to make here on the lake and all around the state are extraordinary. The people of Oklahoma are real, they care, and they are genuine. Many of these friends will last a lifetime and represent some of the most important people in my life. You all know who you are. Back in California I can count these types of friends on one hand. Life on Grand Lake has enabled me to understand what it means to have meaningful friendships, and for this I am forever grateful.  

“Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive.” Anäis Nin

Grand Lake has been a real catalyst in my life and it can be for you too.

Just last week Ted Cundiff, one of my partners in growing small businesses in the state, won the Oklahoma Financial Service Provider of the Year for the creation of the SpiritBank Business Resource Center. What a great honor. It seems like just yesterday that he gave me a dismantled log cabin that I rebuilt on my Grand Lake property. This lead me to supporting him in taking what was then just an idea for a Business Resource Center and turning it into reality. That was three years ago. Ted, I love you and all the good you do in the state. Keep on keeping on.

2008 marks my fourth year writing the What Box? column in the Chronicle of Grand Lake. It has always been my dream to write stories of life that would inspire others to think more deeply about their purpose and work towards reaching their full potential. Rusty Fleming took a chance and Brian and Sue Ruth have continued to support this dream. I am now in production of my fourth book, The Seeker: Discovering and Living Your Life’s Purpose with one of the friends in California I can count on my one hand, Alice Fenton. Would this have happened if not for Grand Lake? I can’t say for sure, but I do know it would not have happened as soon. Brian, Rusty, Sue, and Alice – I love you guys and I am forever grateful for your continued support and commitment to making a difference in the world.

Last year I was asked to become a member of Mayor Kathy Taylor’s Entrepreneurial Committee. As fate would have it they were looking for ideas on how to grow entrepreneurialism in Tulsa. Cutting my teeth in Silicon Valley game me some powerful experiences that I could bring to the table. I proposed a business plan competition. The Mayor said, “I like it. Run with it!” Next thing you know I am starting the Tulsa Entrepreneurial Spirit Award which turned out to be a huge success and now is in its second year with more prizes and more entrepreneurs getting involved. Would the award have had as much impact in Silicon Valley? I don’t think so. Mayor Taylor – I love you and all that you are doing to impact positive change and keep this region we call home relevant. Never ever give up!

Kristen and I have become strong advocates of a revitalized Downtown Tulsa. What a gem we have and only one-and-a-half hours from Zena. The historic buildings downtown are extraordinary and hold so much potential to support a new renaissance in the city – living and working in downtown. This year Kristen and I will move into the top floor of a building we bought with other partners and start living an Urban Tulsa lifestyle when we’re not at Grand Lake. Who would have thought? Not I.

There is so much more: supporting the creation of a Performance Culture with XETA Technologies; teaching Innovation courses at RSU; producing Think-A-Toriums all over the state; and supporting the Aerospace industry of Oklahoma to name just a few.

These all have one thing in common, and that is Grand Lake O’ The Cherokees. It is my home. It is where I can relax and reconnect with nature and just be myself. If you are open to it Grand Lake is a place where anything can happen and it usually does. Ain’t life Grand.

“I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read and all the friends I want to see.”
John Burroughs

Let me know what you think.

Dear Sean,
I am trying really hard to take risks at work in presenting new ideas that I have. My fear of being ignored or thought to be “out of it” in my thinking is overwhelming. How can I overcome these feelings?
Scared to Death

Dear Scared to Death,
The real question is what is causing you to have such a lack of confidence in your self and your own ideas. The only way to overcome this fear is to look at what you do well and improve on it taking small steps. If you have a good idea, it is a good idea, nobody has to like it and in some cases people will not recognize it as a good idea until later. State your ideas with authority and realize that in many cases they will not be accepted. It is not personal at all if an idea is not accepted, in many cases is the insecurity of the person expressing that they don’t like the idea that is being communicated. Every idea has value, not all ideas are able to make it to the level of action. It is a numbers game, the more ideas the greater the odds of one hitting. First step increase confidence in yourself and your ideas. You can do it.
Keep on keeping on,
Sean

 Remember the only boxes that exist are the ones you create for yourself.